The Art of Being Together, While Being You

"I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you." —Everything Everywhere All At Once

With February arrives Valentine’s Day fever for most couples. However, you might find that you and your partner may have different ideas about what is romantic or how to show love. This may potentially lead to disappointment and heartache even when one or both partners value the other. 

You can work on bridging this gap in your relationship in a number of ways:

• Reflect on Your Expectations: Take time to look within and identify what you expect from your partner and where these expectations come from. When you know more about yourself, you can share aspects of yourself with your partner, which will help them understand you better. 

• Assess if your expectations are realistic: Think about your expectations in a way that is feasible to be carried out by your partner. Consider if they have the resources such as time, money and energy to fulfil your wants.  

• Communicate Openly: Talk directly with your partner about what it is that you expect, expressing your feelings and needs clearly. Sometimes, others may not catch on to hints you may be dropping and require explicit instructions.

• Listen Actively: You also need to pay attention to your partner's perspective and keep yourself open to look at the situation from their point of view. Only then you can find what their expectations are from you and your relationship.

• Practice Empathy: Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to understand and acknowledge their challenges. This will help you understand your partner better.

• Set Boundaries: State clearly what behaviours are acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. You can also ask your partner to do the same so that both of you are on the same page. 

• Focus on Appreciation: Take the time to appreciate those actions of your partner that make you smile or aspects of your relationship that you cherish. This can be through a compliment, a touch or a gesture.

• Be Willing to Compromise: It is possible to find solutions that meet both of your needs, if you look for it by adjusting your expectations if needed. Be open to letting go of things that are not so important to you while working on things that are essential to you. 

• Seek Professional Help: If you struggle to manage expectations on your own, consider couples therapy or even personal counselling to navigate complex interpersonal issues. A psychologist can help you learn and maintain healthy and effective strategies of communication. 

Therapy and counseling provide a safe space for couples to navigate complex issues, fostering better communication and understanding. With professional guidance, partners can build healthier connections, manage conflicts, and strengthen their relationship over time. Find a therapist for you at The Social Therapist.

(Edited by: Nishta C., M.Sc Clinical Psychology)

References

Gottman, J. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Orion. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5553b4b0e4b0bc7084971a20/t/630928ac9a7e650bd8ee20ae/1661544620734/Strategy+7+I+appreciate+Document.pdf

Hark, K. (2014). Disconnects: Expectation and Experience in Intimate Interpersonal Relationships (Doctoral dissertation, Duquesne University). Retrieved from https://dsc.duq.edu/etd/628 

McNulty, J. K., O’Mara, E. M., Karney, B.R. (2008) Benevolent cognitions as a strategy of relationship maintenance: “Don’t sweat the small stuff” but it is not all small stuff. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 94. 631–646. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.94.4.631

Scott, P. E. (2025) How to avoid falling into the expectations vs Reality Trap, Verywell Mind. Available at: https://www.verywellmind.com/expectation-vs-reality-trap-4570968 (Accessed: 06 February 2025).